You go to church, don't you?

Q: This is something that I have always wondered, "Why do so many black folks attend church and are the holiest of the holy for the Sunday - but hours after the sermon, you'd never know they were Christian?"

Of course, I didn't phrase this as eloquently as I wanted. This topic has always been on my mind. Hearing a neighbor when I was a kid exclaim, "Hallelujah! Thank ya Jesus!" was nothin' unusual.

A: Today I'll tackle this question on this glorious Sunday. It's quite fitting seeing how religiousness has been on my brain. Not because I went to church and heard the good word but because I am the one black dude out of a handful, that isn't up in the church or sittin' on the stoop sippin' on some "yak" (for the non-black folks this is cognac". "Lord knows" I ain't stepped foot in a church since George H.W. Bush left office.

Now, let me hop up to the pulpit and say a few words. Church, to black folks, is like golf. In golf, you play the course, try to do your best, and have the least amount of strokes (screw ups) as possible, and if you REALLY mess up one of your strokes, you'll get a mulligan and get to try it all over again. You see - the fuck ups in life are the holes. Church is the mulligan.

Black folks are taught at a young age that you go to church and you behave or your momma is gonna get that belt out cause, "she don't play!" She won't cuss you out until she steps off the holy premises - but you WILL get a few choice words if you act up. Sunday is the day of atonement. Black Church "Yom Kippur" if you will. Depending on your church, you'll know if you have a good service if you caught the holy ghost, did holy calisthenics and spoke gibberish.

Sweet Jesus, what about all those exclamations of holy gratitude? Well, I think that's just a matter of habit. Shoutin', "Thank ya Jesus", rebuking the devil, saying hallelujah, glory be to God, amen (pronounced A-MAN) seems to be part of the routine if you frequent certain churches. It's said without much thought. It's kinda like when people are havin' sex and someone screams, "Oh God!" Are they bein' reverent? Well For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, I hope not - especially if they're not married!

Black folks who go to church will let you know that they do too! It's like they're trying to convince (remind) themselves that they need to stay in the good graces. Quoting and posting scripture on Facebook, singing gospel, and getting into their car listening to the FM radio station that plays 4 hours of religious programming on Sundays (and hip hop and baby makin' music all other times). However, once they get home and their Sunday clothes come off, it's back to business as usual (after Sunday dinner of course).

If they're about to get into fisticuffs, you'll sometimes hear a preemptive prayer, such as "Lord, if you don't get this mutha fucka out of my face before I kill him!".  But really, they're not praying and hoping to not hurt someone. They're ready to beat the shit out of someone and ask for forgiveness later.

Forgiveness for beating someone down? Shouting, "Oh God" before, during and after sex? You're keeping God in your life because you posted about "the Glory of God" and the many gifts that have been bestowed onto you in your Facebook or Twitter status?

If your answer is a resounding, "Yes!"... then carry on...  I'll see you at Bible Study and Choir Practice and I BETTER see you at the club next Saturday, "yak" in hand. We  got some hoes to holla at!

Um.. Who Reads this Shit Anyway?

I haven't written for this blog in a while - although I have been watching comment after comment be posted about one of my entries about "Why are Black People So Loud?". It's now gotten to the point where I feel like writing and giving some thought to the comments that the entry received.

There were a couple of comments that appeared today. One comment that talked about paving the road back to Africa kinda took me be surprised - I mean, really?? Yup, it's still 2009, 21st Century.

Another comment mentioned me calling the "Asker" a fool. Well, I actually know the guy that asked the question and it's all about taking on the personality of being a "loud black man" from the 70's. Think Fred Sanford from Sanford & Son. LOL That's who I was channeling my humor from. He was one of the friends that helped me come up with the concept.

The concept of this blog lies in humor. It's that simple. I appreciate all comments (the good, bad, offensive, etc) because it definitely allows your point of view be out there - even if you're posting anonymously and angrily. I've read each one. It's been pretty interesting what people choose to pull from a satirical blog. I've also seen the number of visitors sky rocket. I mean.. Wow.. Thanks! That's got me wanting to blog some more. I just need more topics. I definitely have the viewership. Those Anonymous folks always tend to have the most "eloquent" and "wholesome" responses, too. :0)

I never intended this blog to bring anger. My only intention was to make people laugh. A lot of people have laughed at this topic and others. There was some point where the laughs ended and people stopped reading the entire entry and began to feed off comments or what others have forwarded on to them. That's unfortunate. I guess if I were doing stand up, this entry would have been taking differently. HA HA!

I have considered removing the entry. It's not one of my funniest (clearly!). I think the Bobby Brown/Whitney Houston one is pretty damn good. So if the one about weaves. However, I won't remove the entry because I stand by the idea that it's all about humor, sarcasm and irony.

Why is it the black people can be loud? Well because WE ALL can. Meaning that like anyone else in the United States - it's part of that whole freedom of speech thing. If you want to yell - yeah.. some people might look at you crazy - but you can do it! None of these stereotypes written about in the "Loud" entry truly belong to anyone specific group. All types of people can, at times, be appropriately AND inappropriately loud.

One thing these blog comments has reminded me of is that people can take away whatever they choose from a writing, speech, etc. No matter your intention, it's often interpreted differently. Even if I made the entry even more over the top than I thought it was - someone would think I really believed all the stuff I'm writing.

Oh well... I guess with the description of the blog being at the top and on the side must have been overlooked. HA HA!