Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Bunch of Foolishness and Mayhem!

What in the hell is the world coming to? I just don't get it. My people.. My people... take a moment and pause. Then take another 5 minutes or so and look at these images. They are REAL images (unfortunately). I'm sure there's a Shaniqua Murphy, Champagne Alize Jones or a La Camina Smith (the feminizing of the automobile in which she was conceived).

Just because I'm black doesn't mean I know people like this.. okay wait.. I have come across people like this in my life. In high school, the poor man's hair color - Kool-Aid and Peroxide. And I knew a girl who would wear the sluttiest clothes - but her tits weren't hangin' out back then.. but I wouldn't doubt that they have never hung out since then... it HAS been 16 years since I graduated high school. Besides all of that.. MY MOMMA AND DADDY RAISED ME WITH SOME SENSE!!!

With ALL of that said.. let's take a look at these images, courtesy of the blog "You Know You Dead Azz Wrong" The Commentary belongs to the author of that site as well!

This bytch tiddays and nipples tucked in her belt! They are the entire length of her muhfug torso!! Somebody get me a crash cart cuz them shyts need resurrecting in Jesus’ name. Clearrrrrr!!! **sidenote** nevermind the money pinned to her dayum shirt…she know she cleaned out her bank account at the atm getting all them fresh 20s…she not fooling me **end sidenote** I see how Texas do. *blank effin stare*

This is why I check “other” on job applications. The state of the black woman is pure shyt. Look at “3 the hard way” hamming it up for the cam. Then the bytch with her brush at the bottom. I seriously can not.

Beezy here! I was in Miami for Memorial Day Weekend this year and while there was much fuckery to be seen, I saw this little gem of coonery up close and personal at a party. I thank God that someone took a pic so that I had proof of what happens when you don’t own a mirror and have no friends.

This is what happens when you don’t get enough oxygen to yo brain. Look at the hairy balls and the one drip of jizz. Girl, you so innovative! *blank stare* I hate everything she stands for. Seriously!

Be sure to check out You Know You Dead Azz Wrong for more ridiculousness. These right here are only my personal "Favorites". Shout out to LaMar for sending me this link!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Follow-up to Crazy Names..

Judge: Girl's name, Talula Does The Hula, won't do

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.

Judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed, he said in a ruling made public Thursday. The girl was involved in a custody battle, he said.

The new name was not made public to protect the girl's privacy.

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," he wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

The girl had been so embarrassed at the name that she had never told her closest friends what it was. She told people to call her "K" instead, the girl's lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court.

In his ruling, Murfitt cited a list of the unfortunate names.

Registration officials blocked some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, he said. But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter "and tragically, Violence," he said.

New Zealand law does not allow names that would cause offense to a reasonable person, among other conditions, said Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Clarke said officials usually talked to parents who proposed unusual names to convince them about the potential for embarrassment.

Bey-Bey an' 'em...

Q: What's up with all the nicknames like Pookie, Shay-Shay, Lee-Lee, Huggy Bear, etc?

A: What's in a name? A nick-knack, patty-whack, give Jerome a bone type of name at that! The nicknames anointed to black folks can be just as perplexing as the name that appears on their birth certificate.

Growing up, the neighbors had a thing for giving out nicknames to many of the kids on the street. Their family consisted of a, "Q", and a "Mopey". They Christened my brother with the nickname "BB" and me with "Den-Den". The others in my family were never called by a nickname other than my father who preferred to be called "Micky" (he had this nickname WAY before I was even a zygote) - which, I might add, is not part of his official name in any sense.

Typically nicknames come from some derivative of the person's name. For instance, my adult nickname is "D". Some people will even call me that without even knowing a lot of people called me in college. However, with the simple one-letter nicknames come the more ostentatious moniker and these nicknames, like that of the first, middle, third and fourth names, can get out of hand.

Black folks like to feel special when it comes to their name. It's kinda like how Jennifer Lopez is often called J. Lo and everyone knows who you refer to. Black people want to be very distinct with their name and be a star. Typically... the person with the biggest voice, the most attitude and a fucked up name, will have a nickname. However, sometimes it's based on their personality, something they've done or a physical attribute (i.e. Big D). It's that shit that makes us feel like we've "arrived". "Arrived to where?", you might wonder - You know.. that we've arrived at 106 and Park and we have a nickname like one of those rappers.... L'il Wayne, L'il John, Bird Man, Jay-Z, Jazzy Jeff, L'il Kim, P Diddy/Puffy, the list goes on. Obviously there are a lot of short mofos out there.

It's almost a must to give a black child a nickname because when they're young they can't even spelled their grab bag name (please check the blog on Black Names)! Chardonay Chablis Williams would then go by CeeCee.

As I was researching for this entry I came across Nae-Nae. I asked Nae-Nae how she got her nickname.

"Well you see... I had axed my momma why she named me JeanNaté. She said she just thought it was pretty and it smelled good. I never knew why she thought I smelled good. I thought babies just smell like baby powder. Anywayz. When I was a kid, I had problems spellin' my name - cause you know it got them capital letters and that accent mark. So I told people to just call me Nae-Nae. It was just easier that way, you know what I'm sayin'? Now err-body call me that and I'm 39 years old! Ha Haaaa... and Stillllllllllll smellin' good. You heard me?"

There's somethin' to be said about the two syllable nickname. Any GOOD nickname must consist of only 2 syllables. That's why JeanNaté went to Nae-Nae and Puffy went to P Diddy.. but then realized that he didn't follow protocol and dropped the "P". Now it's the D.. the I.. the D... the D.. the Y y'allllllllll. He doesn't write rhymes. He writes check - thought ya knew!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

An Open Letter to the Browns

Well... time certainly got away from me and I was unable to complete this week's entry. To provide everyone with humor during the close of this week, I have posted a blog I wrote September 15, 2006, about the break up of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. In the interim, I will be restructuring the blog (a few tweaks here and there). I hope you enjoy this CLASSIC entry!


Picture it - a hip, young black kid in Inkster, Michigan... watching history unfold as the union of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown takes place on an episode of Entertainment Tonight in the summer of 1992.

The happy couple had a ton of hit songs - Whitney had tons of awards and on top of the world. Bobby was ecstatic because he was out of the boy band (New Edition) and making his own hit music. You have to admit, "On Our Own" from the Ghostbusters II Soundtrack was the SHIT!

Before I go any further - I must set the mood.

"Where do broken hearts go.. can they find their way home?"

I'm not sure.. but in this case.. i hope that heart is Whitney's and I hope she finds her way back to her family and friends that helped to make her a superstar.

The following is an open letter to the Browns.

September 14, 2006

Whitney - I hope you know that we "Still care" for you. At least I do. You were my GIRL! From the day I heard "You Give Good Love", to your wild ass hair in "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who loves me)"... all the way to the Bodygaurd Soundtrack because you were my "Queen of the Night". Hell, I even stood by your side with those crazy collaborations with Bobby... Then there was the "Heartbreak Hotel" and you found a fanatical fanbase with the gays and your Thunderpuss remixes - FAAAAAAAB-U-LOUS!

Bobby - my boy Bobby... you had us "Every Little Step" of the way. It was your "Perrogative" to dance on that stage, reenacting sexual things - getting arrested. When you found your "Tenderoni" in Whitney.. we ALL had hope. If you could get a good lookin' woman like Whitney.. we knew we were bound to find us a "Whitney" too. Don't get it twisted though... we ALL thought it was the weirdest combo! I had bets on your marriage lasting 2 years tops.

When y'all got married and I saw you dancing together on Entertainment Tonight, I thought to myself, "Damn, what's that thing on Whitney's head? That ain't cute". Then I thought, oh.. they "look" happy, but I bet Whitney is still messing with Robin, her assistant. I really thought it was a cover up and she was truly a lesbian. All bets were off when Bobbi Kristina came into the world a mere 9 months after the wedding.

Whitney, year after year I waited in anticipation of your divorce. I was mystified every year. Even dumbfounded to see that you two seemed happy. But, when I saw you on TV, fresh out of jail and your "Boo" was waiting for you outside the jail gates. I was touched. When she jumped up and wrapped her legs around you and was yellin' and cryin'.. I was like.. Now that is LOVE - CRAZY AS A MUTHA -BEEEEEP LOVE! This was NOT the Whitney I grew up listening to. This is not the one who "Believed that children were our future". This is not the one whose voice soared as she sang the "Star Spangled Banner" and made a country weep. This was some hoochie from "around the way from Bey-Bey and 'em" who "just happened" to look like Whitney... Say it ain't so!

Years later - I found y'all still married. Seemingly happy, but with a few problems here and there. I mean, Whitney.. what's up with all that sweatin' on stage? You ain't EVER sweat like that before! I saw you on award shows - lookin' like Jack Skellington - and talkin' like that crazy man on the corner of Flamingo and Maryland Parkway... nothin' but jibberish coming out of your mouth. I wanted you to have it together.. and you were just falling apart.

Bobby, after your CD, "Bobby" came out. I supported it. I was a broke college freshman.. but I bought it.. You had us "Humpin' Around".. and I'm sure you had yourself humpin' around too.. but we won't go there. That song "Good Enough" was nice too. In fact, I might have to download that. Yeah, I traded your CD in a long while back... it's out of print isn't it? Because you know me... I'm working a good job now.. i can afford it.

Y'all were the most GHETTO fabulous couple... I stress GHETTO because y'all took the cake... I guess Bobby's family stressed the HOOD part when you entered motherHOOD, huh Whitney? It seems like you just got straight hood on your fans after the birth of Bobbi Kristina. Maybe your hormones fucked you up. Or the cocaine and weed - because we ALL know "Crack is whack".

Now, it's 14 years later - and you're wondering "Didn't We Almost Have it All"? Yeah, you almost did - except your husband couldn't get another hit and delved into drugs. And in true partnership - you couldn't let him do it alone.. now could you? You had to make sure he had the good shit!.. Puff Puff pass mutha......

I've watched both of y'all go into rehab. On several ocassions. I've watched y'all go to Israel for "cleansing". Bobby, you had so many visits with the police that I thought you were in the academy or in the very least, a baliff! I'm sure you knew a couple of them on a first name basis. As for you Whitney.. you being involved a drug issue? You really MUST have been high trying to get on a plane with weed in your purse.

Remember saying this to Diane Sawyer? Of course you don't.. so let me tell you what you said.

"My business is sex, drugs, rock n roll, Whitney explains to Diane Sawyer in a blockbuster interview on ABCs Primetime Live. I dont like to think of myself as addicted, she says. I like to think...I had a bad habit, which can be broken."

I hope that the habits are broken.

Having said all of this, I do wish you two the best. You've had so many ups and downs and i'm glad to see that you, whitney, have decided to get off that rollercoaster. I hope it's time to get right! I hope it's time for Whitney to reclaim her throne! I hope it's time for Whitney to be Whitney and not that other persona we've seen for the last 12 years! I hope it's time that you begin to listen to your mentor, Clive Davis, again. He's the one that got you your start and helped you to skyrocket. I am estatic that you've taken a stand in your relationship. I have to tell you, as addictive as it was to watchong "Being Bobby Brown" - it was also painful. You were one of the classiest young, black women out there... and you down-graded yourself many, many levels. There was a time when Whitney was on TV, the house would get quiet to watch you perform - we all knew you weren't the best dancer... but DAMN.. your voice was phenomenal! Crystal clear and resonating. It would send chills through your body. Now, we can't even get a solid note without some sort of wackiness.

Whitney, I hope that you find peace and that love surrounds you.

Bobby, I hope that you find personal growth through this experience and learn from your mistakes. If those lessons take a few years, it's okay.. it's all about the process of getting there. You'll never recapture an audience - but you'll forever remain in our fondest memories when we think of "The Gumby", Ghostbusters, and R&B singers who "try" to rap - because while you aren't the "King of R&B" - you certianly helped begin that trend on that Babyface song! Be strong!

Stay strong Browns. This is for the best.

"Love Will Save the Day",


Thursday, July 10, 2008

His DNA Says He's a , "Brotha"

Q: What does the black community think of that crazy black/white man Michael Jackson?

A: Ah, "remember the time" when Michael Jackson could do no wrong? Let's go back. Way back. Back into time - when a present day ghostly, fragile looking creature used to be a young, brown skinned afro-puffed black man. A time when he had just gone solo and recorded the album Off the Wall. Those were the days! When I was a kid, my jam was "Don't Stop til You Get Enough". You couldn't tell me nothin'! That video was cutting edge too... dancing inside a kalaidascope and shit.

With the Off the Wall album Michael had the same look he always had - those full lips, that wide nose, brown skin, and an afro. It was 1979, that you saw the beginning of THE CHANGE. In the Rock With You video - he unleashed the glitter boots and discovered a new product, the Jheri Curl.

I have to admit, Michael was rockin' that shit out with the Jheri curl. And those glitter boots? That shit was cutting edge! He took the left over material and also fashioned himself a glitter glove! You see.. Michael was EXTRA black from birth to about 1983. I mean, him growin' up in Gary, Indiana of all places, being Jehovah Witness, and singing for Motown Records? If that doesn't say old school blackness, I don't know what does! Hell, until I moved out of metro Detroit, I thought that all Jehovah Witnesses were black - they're the only church folk I knew that went door to door. It wasn't until my college years that I discovered Mormons -- that really threw my ass for a loop! I mean.. they have name badges, white button up shirts, black pants AND bicylce gear. The epitome of Nerdom.

Michael stll held on tight to his Black Card well into the 80s. When you break the color barrier on MTV - you MUST be somebody! Black folks loved that because we could now watch MTV and not be forced to watch another Pat Benatar video. You think MTV is wack as hell now? Try watching it in it's first couple of years of existence.

To be honest, it's pretty hard to lose your Black Card - I mean, you'd have to sell someone out and have a favorite uncle named Tom to even be considered. Once you're born black... even IF your skin tone goes from baked brownies to pancake batter, you're always black. Even if your nose went from double wide to single family. Even if your lips go from luscious to libia-like. You will always be black - But that doesn't mean we won't talk about your ass! But if you have TONS of money - you kind of transcend blackness and you're just a rich mofo and these days, green is the color to be! Oprah is rich, but we always remember she's black because she reminds all the white women in her audience by saying, " When I was a poor little black girl in Mississippi... " Michael barely remembers being poor. Rebbie, Jermaine and Tito may remember - but I'm sure Janet doesn't and MJ doesn't share those stories to make us remember. Michael has become an icon of pop music because of his world wide appeal. It's crazy that kids born well after his EXTREMELY popular music making days know his songs and half of them don't even speak English! It's obvious to me tha no matter how often he fucks up his appearance or allegedly does something illegal - his status as an icon cements his place in history.

With that said, what does the black community think of Michael? Honestly, the black community is forgiving as hell. We forgave so much shit. O.J. - for the alleged murders so many believed in him SO MUCH that they beleived he was innocent (I think most people know better than that now), R. Kelly for a couple of reasons - making that video (y'all know that was him!!) and making some ridiculous ass songs (In the Closet, Feelin' on Yo' Booty, some damn monkey song on the last CD, the list goes on and on), Janet Jackson and nipplegate - we heart Janet because of being Penny on Good Times and surviving an abusive mother with a hot iron - oh wait... that was just a show! Back to the forgiveness - Rev. Jesse Jackson - having an affair, Rev. Al Sharpton for getting that Press 'n' Curl, etc. Bring into question Michael becoming white and allegedly molesting some kids and giving them Jesus Juice - hell.. that's a drop in the bucket. Besides that - That all happened AFTER he became White Michael. We take all credit for things up to the Dangerous album. After that, he because W. Michael J. Jackson. When we think of the good times - we always refer to MJ pre-1991. It all just got to be too much... no black man would do such crazy shit (aside from the DC snipers - but that's like 2 out of 1000 white crazy folks in the media - blacks will typically just shoot one another). Michael fuckin' with his face, skin, renting that womb and then buying back those children from that nurse (you know that's what he did!), callin' one of his kids "Blanket", or having a place called Neverland Ranch - that is some rich white people shit right there! Actually... that's some rich white people shit who are fictitious characters on Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas, and any other night time soap from the 80s!

The thing is, we all know this mofo is crazy! When you have money and you're crazy it's dangerous - that's why MJ titled that one CD that. When you combine crazy and rich with being one of the biggest selling recording artist of all time - it's utter PANDEMONIUM!! He thinks he's still the shit and we (meaning everyone on the planet) still treat him like he's the shit - and this fool ain't had a REAL hit song since 1995! He's now famous for being odd. But in the end, we still love the man because he made so many JAMS. So many that you would have thought he worked in a Smuckers Factory.

So, no matter the length and texture of hair (these days he rocks an ultra perm), the amount of make up and all, we still love her.. I mean him and just like Bertha Johnston in her purple Ladies' Day outfit and matching wide rimmed hat in church on Sunday morning praying to Jesus, we are excited and pray for his triumphant return.

Links used in this entry:

remember the time
Don't Stop til You Get Enough
Rock With You
Pat Benatar
Good Times

Thursday, July 3, 2008

That's the joint... that's the jam. Turn that shit up then play it again!

Q: Why is it that every song on the radio is "The Jam" to a black person?

A:  Jam... OH Jam... Teddy's Jam! I'm not talkin' about Teddy's Boysenberry Jam... I'm talkin' about a throwback to the R&B group Guy (you can click the link for this and remember the time).  To make things a bit simpler and add to the ambiance -  I invite you to watch this clip before you read this entry. 

As you were watching this clip... doesn't it just make you wanna dance? That's what a jam does.  Makes you wanna dance, it gets you hype, and just makes you feel good!  Most music makes us feel good unless you're EMO - then you just wanna feel pitiful and wear black all day.  I want this blog experience to take you back to a great memory and/or introduce you to a new tune. 

You see, we all have jams no matter the race, nationality, social circle, etc.  The difference lies in how we respond.  Let's take Jonathan B. White.  He knows the song, "Brick House".  He knows the lyrics and even has a couple of dance moves to accompany the beats.  He starts by tapping his foot - maybe even snappin' his fingers on the first and third beats (that's on the 4/4 beat rhythm). He begins to close his eyes to get into the groove.  As he dips deeper into the groove he unknowingly does this - bites his bottom lip as if it gave him soul.  When he's REALLY feeling the song, he might even say, "Man, I love this song!" Sometimes you'll hear people say, "Oh my God!  This song is so awesome/kick ass/the shit!" However, most typically, a black person will refer to a song as THE JAM!  Something that just brings you back to a good ass time you had.  

If you remember Soul Train you will recall the Soul Train Line.  That's when they would play The Jam and people would dance down a row lined with black folks (and the occasional "down" Asian or White person) and get their non-sexual groove on.  That's when you showed the world your best dance move without looking crazy, but instead, sexy and cool without breaking a sweat.   Back in the day, when I lived in metro Detroit, we had a little show we'd watch each weekday after school.  It was our local version of Soul Train.  The program was called The New Dance Show.  The song that's playin' in the clip is one of my jams!  I was lucky to find this clip and damn glad to share it with you.

"Jams" come in many varieties.  There's the "slow jam", the "dance jam", the "freaky jam", and "general jam".   "Drop that Base - the song featured in the previous clip, is a dance jam.  You would play this to get extra hype before going out.   A freaky jam is one of those songs that is quite explicit (sexually or otherwise) - something along the lines of a 2 Live Crew song.  Then there's the slow jam - i.e.  Luther, Chante Moore, Anita Baker, or any other slow song by an R&B artist that made you wanna sex someone up because tick tock - those love jams don't stop.  A general jam is usually one of those pop songs that, as a black person, you hate to admit you like to other black people but have no problem admitting it to white people.  It's kinda like you say, "I can be down with white people music" when you admit it.  Songs in this category is everything that's not rap or R&B.  Artist like Shania Twain, Nine Inch Nails, Guns N Roses, Britney Spears, and Hootie and the Blowfish fall into this category.  "But Dennis", you ask, "Isn't Hootie.. eerr.. Darius Rucker, black?"  Yes, yes he is.. but if you recall one of my earlier posts - he is indeed a blonkey. 

You might notice that you like these songs too - but you might not call it your jam.  You might simply move your shoulders or tap your foot to the beat and say, "Man, this song rocks!".  However, like our brother Jonathan B. White, most black folks LOVE to sing and groove even if we can't do either very well (killing the stereotype that we all can sing and dance). We will sing along to a song and begin the motion of utter enjoyment of the melody by doing a soulful rhythm sway at ANY PLACE and at ANY TIME.  My mind quickly jumps to The Isley Brothers "Groove with You" - a quintessential slow jam.  As we begin to sway to the rhythm of the beat, close our eyes, and snap our finger on the twos and fours (as opposed to the ones and threes) we remember a happy time while we're waiting in line at the local grocery store buying collard greens.  

Music plays a major part the lives of people. Whether you're white, black, or Puerto Rican - Everybody's just a freakin' - Oops. Sorry, I slipped into verse.  But that's one of MY JAMS too!  I got a million of 'em folks and this is exactly why you will often hear black people claim that every other song on the radio, playing in the restaurant, heard on the street, etc. as their jam. When in fact, it's most likely everyone else's jam too. They don't own that shit but we get into our music like we're getting some royalties from the record company for encouraging sales.  We compare singers - not lyricists. Who CAN sing and who CAN'T.  We listen for the beat and not the tempo - this is why most of us can dance to ANY song. And we're quick to tell someone younger than us that, "They don't know nothin' 'bout this" because it's for the grown and sexy bunch. 

I invite every reader to list some of their own jams in the comments.  What's in your Jams List for the slow jam, dance jam, freaky jam, or general jam?

Be sure to take the poll too!  Let's see what people consider a "jam".

Some of my favorite Jams for you to indulge in: