Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sneak Peak: We're just not intolerant of racists - Milk is on that list, too!

Sorry, y'all. I've been on a hiatus. Things at work picked up but I just got this question from a reader and thought - Ooh.. I can do a few things with this one! So.. hold tight, a blog IS a'comin'... Here's the topic

Q: Okay Dennis, I was looking up songs on youtube, the name of the song was Milk, by Garbage that I was searching for. I started watching videos that were anti-milk, saying how bad it is for people to drink cow's milk. One of the videos, a person commented how the government promotes milk, and get big stars to star in them. They commented how they got Spike Lee to endorse milk in one of the commercials, and in the video, the guy said basically, that 95 percent of blacks are lactose intolerant.....Ive never heard that before.....are you? Or are you in the lucky...or maybe unlucky....5 percent that can drink milk with no problems.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Can I Get an Amen??

Not every black person is funny... can sing.. dance.. cook... have style.. is cool... has an overactive sex drive... etc. 

With that said... because not every black person IS all of those things... the guy in this video is one of these things simply because he isn't ANY of them but he sure as hell knows how to praise the Lord.  

Can I get an Amen? 

HALLELUJAH! 
video

Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Bunch of Foolishness and Mayhem!

What in the hell is the world coming to? I just don't get it. My people.. My people... take a moment and pause. Then take another 5 minutes or so and look at these images. They are REAL images (unfortunately). I'm sure there's a Shaniqua Murphy, Champagne Alize Jones or a La Camina Smith (the feminizing of the automobile in which she was conceived).

Just because I'm black doesn't mean I know people like this.. okay wait.. I have come across people like this in my life. In high school, the poor man's hair color - Kool-Aid and Peroxide. And I knew a girl who would wear the sluttiest clothes - but her tits weren't hangin' out back then.. but I wouldn't doubt that they have never hung out since then... it HAS been 16 years since I graduated high school. Besides all of that.. MY MOMMA AND DADDY RAISED ME WITH SOME SENSE!!!

With ALL of that said.. let's take a look at these images, courtesy of the blog "You Know You Dead Azz Wrong" The Commentary belongs to the author of that site as well!


This bytch tiddays and nipples tucked in her belt! They are the entire length of her muhfug torso!! Somebody get me a crash cart cuz them shyts need resurrecting in Jesus’ name. Clearrrrrr!!! **sidenote** nevermind the money pinned to her dayum shirt…she know she cleaned out her bank account at the atm getting all them fresh 20s…she not fooling me **end sidenote** I see how Texas do. *blank effin stare*










This is why I check “other” on job applications. The state of the black woman is pure shyt. Look at “3 the hard way” hamming it up for the cam. Then the bytch with her brush at the bottom. I seriously can not.






Beezy here! I was in Miami for Memorial Day Weekend this year and while there was much fuckery to be seen, I saw this little gem of coonery up close and personal at a party. I thank God that someone took a pic so that I had proof of what happens when you don’t own a mirror and have no friends.













This is what happens when you don’t get enough oxygen to yo brain. Look at the hairy balls and the one drip of jizz. Girl, you so innovative! *blank stare* I hate everything she stands for. Seriously!










Be sure to check out You Know You Dead Azz Wrong for more ridiculousness. These right here are only my personal "Favorites". Shout out to LaMar for sending me this link!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Follow-up to Crazy Names..

AP
Judge: Girl's name, Talula Does The Hula, won't do

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.

Judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed, he said in a ruling made public Thursday. The girl was involved in a custody battle, he said.

The new name was not made public to protect the girl's privacy.

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," he wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

The girl had been so embarrassed at the name that she had never told her closest friends what it was. She told people to call her "K" instead, the girl's lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court.

In his ruling, Murfitt cited a list of the unfortunate names.

Registration officials blocked some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, he said. But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter "and tragically, Violence," he said.

New Zealand law does not allow names that would cause offense to a reasonable person, among other conditions, said Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Clarke said officials usually talked to parents who proposed unusual names to convince them about the potential for embarrassment.

Bey-Bey an' 'em...

Q: What's up with all the nicknames like Pookie, Shay-Shay, Lee-Lee, Huggy Bear, etc?

A: What's in a name? A nick-knack, patty-whack, give Jerome a bone type of name at that! The nicknames anointed to black folks can be just as perplexing as the name that appears on their birth certificate.

Growing up, the neighbors had a thing for giving out nicknames to many of the kids on the street. Their family consisted of a, "Q", and a "Mopey". They Christened my brother with the nickname "BB" and me with "Den-Den". The others in my family were never called by a nickname other than my father who preferred to be called "Micky" (he had this nickname WAY before I was even a zygote) - which, I might add, is not part of his official name in any sense.

Typically nicknames come from some derivative of the person's name. For instance, my adult nickname is "D". Some people will even call me that without even knowing a lot of people called me in college. However, with the simple one-letter nicknames come the more ostentatious moniker and these nicknames, like that of the first, middle, third and fourth names, can get out of hand.

Black folks like to feel special when it comes to their name. It's kinda like how Jennifer Lopez is often called J. Lo and everyone knows who you refer to. Black people want to be very distinct with their name and be a star. Typically... the person with the biggest voice, the most attitude and a fucked up name, will have a nickname. However, sometimes it's based on their personality, something they've done or a physical attribute (i.e. Big D). It's that shit that makes us feel like we've "arrived". "Arrived to where?", you might wonder - You know.. that we've arrived at 106 and Park and we have a nickname like one of those rappers.... L'il Wayne, L'il John, Bird Man, Jay-Z, Jazzy Jeff, L'il Kim, P Diddy/Puffy, the list goes on. Obviously there are a lot of short mofos out there.

It's almost a must to give a black child a nickname because when they're young they can't even spelled their grab bag name (please check the blog on Black Names)! Chardonay Chablis Williams would then go by CeeCee.

As I was researching for this entry I came across Nae-Nae. I asked Nae-Nae how she got her nickname.

"Well you see... I had axed my momma why she named me JeanNaté. She said she just thought it was pretty and it smelled good. I never knew why she thought I smelled good. I thought babies just smell like baby powder. Anywayz. When I was a kid, I had problems spellin' my name - cause you know it got them capital letters and that accent mark. So I told people to just call me Nae-Nae. It was just easier that way, you know what I'm sayin'? Now err-body call me that and I'm 39 years old! Ha Haaaa... and Stillllllllllll smellin' good. You heard me?"

There's somethin' to be said about the two syllable nickname. Any GOOD nickname must consist of only 2 syllables. That's why JeanNaté went to Nae-Nae and Puffy went to P Diddy.. but then realized that he didn't follow protocol and dropped the "P". Now it's the D.. the I.. the D... the D.. the Y y'allllllllll. He doesn't write rhymes. He writes check - thought ya knew!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

An Open Letter to the Browns

Well... time certainly got away from me and I was unable to complete this week's entry. To provide everyone with humor during the close of this week, I have posted a blog I wrote September 15, 2006, about the break up of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. In the interim, I will be restructuring the blog (a few tweaks here and there). I hope you enjoy this CLASSIC entry!

Dennis
____________________________________________



Picture it - a hip, young black kid in Inkster, Michigan... watching history unfold as the union of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown takes place on an episode of Entertainment Tonight in the summer of 1992.

The happy couple had a ton of hit songs - Whitney had tons of awards and on top of the world. Bobby was ecstatic because he was out of the boy band (New Edition) and making his own hit music. You have to admit, "On Our Own" from the Ghostbusters II Soundtrack was the SHIT!

Before I go any further - I must set the mood.

"Where do broken hearts go.. can they find their way home?"

I'm not sure.. but in this case.. i hope that heart is Whitney's and I hope she finds her way back to her family and friends that helped to make her a superstar.

The following is an open letter to the Browns.

September 14, 2006

Whitney - I hope you know that we "Still care" for you. At least I do. You were my GIRL! From the day I heard "You Give Good Love", to your wild ass hair in "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who loves me)"... all the way to the Bodygaurd Soundtrack because you were my "Queen of the Night". Hell, I even stood by your side with those crazy collaborations with Bobby... Then there was the "Heartbreak Hotel" and you found a fanatical fanbase with the gays and your Thunderpuss remixes - FAAAAAAAB-U-LOUS!

Bobby - my boy Bobby... you had us "Every Little Step" of the way. It was your "Perrogative" to dance on that stage, reenacting sexual things - getting arrested. When you found your "Tenderoni" in Whitney.. we ALL had hope. If you could get a good lookin' woman like Whitney.. we knew we were bound to find us a "Whitney" too. Don't get it twisted though... we ALL thought it was the weirdest combo! I had bets on your marriage lasting 2 years tops.

When y'all got married and I saw you dancing together on Entertainment Tonight, I thought to myself, "Damn, what's that thing on Whitney's head? That ain't cute". Then I thought, oh.. they "look" happy, but I bet Whitney is still messing with Robin, her assistant. I really thought it was a cover up and she was truly a lesbian. All bets were off when Bobbi Kristina came into the world a mere 9 months after the wedding.


Whitney, year after year I waited in anticipation of your divorce. I was mystified every year. Even dumbfounded to see that you two seemed happy. But, when I saw you on TV, fresh out of jail and your "Boo" was waiting for you outside the jail gates. I was touched. When she jumped up and wrapped her legs around you and was yellin' and cryin'.. I was like.. Now that is LOVE - CRAZY AS A MUTHA -BEEEEEP LOVE! This was NOT the Whitney I grew up listening to. This is not the one who "Believed that children were our future". This is not the one whose voice soared as she sang the "Star Spangled Banner" and made a country weep. This was some hoochie from "around the way from Bey-Bey and 'em" who "just happened" to look like Whitney... Say it ain't so!

Years later - I found y'all still married. Seemingly happy, but with a few problems here and there. I mean, Whitney.. what's up with all that sweatin' on stage? You ain't EVER sweat like that before! I saw you on award shows - lookin' like Jack Skellington - and talkin' like that crazy man on the corner of Flamingo and Maryland Parkway... nothin' but jibberish coming out of your mouth. I wanted you to have it together.. and you were just falling apart.

Bobby, after your CD, "Bobby" came out. I supported it. I was a broke college freshman.. but I bought it.. You had us "Humpin' Around".. and I'm sure you had yourself humpin' around too.. but we won't go there. That song "Good Enough" was nice too. In fact, I might have to download that. Yeah, I traded your CD in a long while back... it's out of print isn't it? Because you know me... I'm working a good job now.. i can afford it.

Y'all were the most GHETTO fabulous couple... I stress GHETTO because y'all took the cake... I guess Bobby's family stressed the HOOD part when you entered motherHOOD, huh Whitney? It seems like you just got straight hood on your fans after the birth of Bobbi Kristina. Maybe your hormones fucked you up. Or the cocaine and weed - because we ALL know "Crack is whack".

Now, it's 14 years later - and you're wondering "Didn't We Almost Have it All"? Yeah, you almost did - except your husband couldn't get another hit and delved into drugs. And in true partnership - you couldn't let him do it alone.. now could you? You had to make sure he had the good shit!.. Puff Puff pass mutha......

I've watched both of y'all go into rehab. On several ocassions. I've watched y'all go to Israel for "cleansing". Bobby, you had so many visits with the police that I thought you were in the academy or in the very least, a baliff! I'm sure you knew a couple of them on a first name basis. As for you Whitney.. you being involved a drug issue? You really MUST have been high trying to get on a plane with weed in your purse.

Remember saying this to Diane Sawyer? Of course you don't.. so let me tell you what you said.

"My business is sex, drugs, rock n roll, Whitney explains to Diane Sawyer in a blockbuster interview on ABCs Primetime Live. I dont like to think of myself as addicted, she says. I like to think...I had a bad habit, which can be broken."

I hope that the habits are broken.

Having said all of this, I do wish you two the best. You've had so many ups and downs and i'm glad to see that you, whitney, have decided to get off that rollercoaster. I hope it's time to get right! I hope it's time for Whitney to reclaim her throne! I hope it's time for Whitney to be Whitney and not that other persona we've seen for the last 12 years! I hope it's time that you begin to listen to your mentor, Clive Davis, again. He's the one that got you your start and helped you to skyrocket. I am estatic that you've taken a stand in your relationship. I have to tell you, as addictive as it was to watchong "Being Bobby Brown" - it was also painful. You were one of the classiest young, black women out there... and you down-graded yourself many, many levels. There was a time when Whitney was on TV, the house would get quiet to watch you perform - we all knew you weren't the best dancer... but DAMN.. your voice was phenomenal! Crystal clear and resonating. It would send chills through your body. Now, we can't even get a solid note without some sort of wackiness.

Whitney, I hope that you find peace and that love surrounds you.

Bobby, I hope that you find personal growth through this experience and learn from your mistakes. If those lessons take a few years, it's okay.. it's all about the process of getting there. You'll never recapture an audience - but you'll forever remain in our fondest memories when we think of "The Gumby", Ghostbusters, and R&B singers who "try" to rap - because while you aren't the "King of R&B" - you certianly helped begin that trend on that Babyface song! Be strong!

Stay strong Browns. This is for the best.

"Love Will Save the Day",

Dennis

Thursday, July 10, 2008

His DNA Says He's a , "Brotha"

Q: What does the black community think of that crazy black/white man Michael Jackson?

A: Ah, "remember the time" when Michael Jackson could do no wrong? Let's go back. Way back. Back into time - when a present day ghostly, fragile looking creature used to be a young, brown skinned afro-puffed black man. A time when he had just gone solo and recorded the album Off the Wall. Those were the days! When I was a kid, my jam was "Don't Stop til You Get Enough". You couldn't tell me nothin'! That video was cutting edge too... dancing inside a kalaidascope and shit.

With the Off the Wall album Michael had the same look he always had - those full lips, that wide nose, brown skin, and an afro. It was 1979, that you saw the beginning of THE CHANGE. In the Rock With You video - he unleashed the glitter boots and discovered a new product, the Jheri Curl.

I have to admit, Michael was rockin' that shit out with the Jheri curl. And those glitter boots? That shit was cutting edge! He took the left over material and also fashioned himself a glitter glove! You see.. Michael was EXTRA black from birth to about 1983. I mean, him growin' up in Gary, Indiana of all places, being Jehovah Witness, and singing for Motown Records? If that doesn't say old school blackness, I don't know what does! Hell, until I moved out of metro Detroit, I thought that all Jehovah Witnesses were black - they're the only church folk I knew that went door to door. It wasn't until my college years that I discovered Mormons -- that really threw my ass for a loop! I mean.. they have name badges, white button up shirts, black pants AND bicylce gear. The epitome of Nerdom.

Michael stll held on tight to his Black Card well into the 80s. When you break the color barrier on MTV - you MUST be somebody! Black folks loved that because we could now watch MTV and not be forced to watch another Pat Benatar video. You think MTV is wack as hell now? Try watching it in it's first couple of years of existence.

To be honest, it's pretty hard to lose your Black Card - I mean, you'd have to sell someone out and have a favorite uncle named Tom to even be considered. Once you're born black... even IF your skin tone goes from baked brownies to pancake batter, you're always black. Even if your nose went from double wide to single family. Even if your lips go from luscious to libia-like. You will always be black - But that doesn't mean we won't talk about your ass! But if you have TONS of money - you kind of transcend blackness and you're just a rich mofo and these days, green is the color to be! Oprah is rich, but we always remember she's black because she reminds all the white women in her audience by saying, " When I was a poor little black girl in Mississippi... " Michael barely remembers being poor. Rebbie, Jermaine and Tito may remember - but I'm sure Janet doesn't and MJ doesn't share those stories to make us remember. Michael has become an icon of pop music because of his world wide appeal. It's crazy that kids born well after his EXTREMELY popular music making days know his songs and half of them don't even speak English! It's obvious to me tha no matter how often he fucks up his appearance or allegedly does something illegal - his status as an icon cements his place in history.

With that said, what does the black community think of Michael? Honestly, the black community is forgiving as hell. We forgave so much shit. O.J. - for the alleged murders so many believed in him SO MUCH that they beleived he was innocent (I think most people know better than that now), R. Kelly for a couple of reasons - making that video (y'all know that was him!!) and making some ridiculous ass songs (In the Closet, Feelin' on Yo' Booty, some damn monkey song on the last CD, the list goes on and on), Janet Jackson and nipplegate - we heart Janet because of being Penny on Good Times and surviving an abusive mother with a hot iron - oh wait... that was just a show! Back to the forgiveness - Rev. Jesse Jackson - having an affair, Rev. Al Sharpton for getting that Press 'n' Curl, etc. Bring into question Michael becoming white and allegedly molesting some kids and giving them Jesus Juice - hell.. that's a drop in the bucket. Besides that - That all happened AFTER he became White Michael. We take all credit for things up to the Dangerous album. After that, he because W. Michael J. Jackson. When we think of the good times - we always refer to MJ pre-1991. It all just got to be too much... no black man would do such crazy shit (aside from the DC snipers - but that's like 2 out of 1000 white crazy folks in the media - blacks will typically just shoot one another). Michael fuckin' with his face, skin, renting that womb and then buying back those children from that nurse (you know that's what he did!), callin' one of his kids "Blanket", or having a place called Neverland Ranch - that is some rich white people shit right there! Actually... that's some rich white people shit who are fictitious characters on Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas, and any other night time soap from the 80s!

The thing is, we all know this mofo is crazy! When you have money and you're crazy it's dangerous - that's why MJ titled that one CD that. When you combine crazy and rich with being one of the biggest selling recording artist of all time - it's utter PANDEMONIUM!! He thinks he's still the shit and we (meaning everyone on the planet) still treat him like he's the shit - and this fool ain't had a REAL hit song since 1995! He's now famous for being odd. But in the end, we still love the man because he made so many JAMS. So many that you would have thought he worked in a Smuckers Factory.

So, no matter the length and texture of hair (these days he rocks an ultra perm), the amount of make up and all, we still love her.. I mean him and just like Bertha Johnston in her purple Ladies' Day outfit and matching wide rimmed hat in church on Sunday morning praying to Jesus, we are excited and pray for his triumphant return.

Links used in this entry:

remember the time
Don't Stop til You Get Enough
Rock With You
Pat Benatar
nipplegate
Good Times
Dynasty
JAMS

Thursday, July 3, 2008

That's the joint... that's the jam. Turn that shit up then play it again!

Q: Why is it that every song on the radio is "The Jam" to a black person?

A:  Jam... OH Jam... Teddy's Jam! I'm not talkin' about Teddy's Boysenberry Jam... I'm talkin' about a throwback to the R&B group Guy (you can click the link for this and remember the time).  To make things a bit simpler and add to the ambiance -  I invite you to watch this clip before you read this entry. 





As you were watching this clip... doesn't it just make you wanna dance? That's what a jam does.  Makes you wanna dance, it gets you hype, and just makes you feel good!  Most music makes us feel good unless you're EMO - then you just wanna feel pitiful and wear black all day.  I want this blog experience to take you back to a great memory and/or introduce you to a new tune. 

You see, we all have jams no matter the race, nationality, social circle, etc.  The difference lies in how we respond.  Let's take Jonathan B. White.  He knows the song, "Brick House".  He knows the lyrics and even has a couple of dance moves to accompany the beats.  He starts by tapping his foot - maybe even snappin' his fingers on the first and third beats (that's on the 4/4 beat rhythm). He begins to close his eyes to get into the groove.  As he dips deeper into the groove he unknowingly does this - bites his bottom lip as if it gave him soul.  When he's REALLY feeling the song, he might even say, "Man, I love this song!" Sometimes you'll hear people say, "Oh my God!  This song is so awesome/kick ass/the shit!" However, most typically, a black person will refer to a song as THE JAM!  Something that just brings you back to a good ass time you had.  

If you remember Soul Train you will recall the Soul Train Line.  That's when they would play The Jam and people would dance down a row lined with black folks (and the occasional "down" Asian or White person) and get their non-sexual groove on.  That's when you showed the world your best dance move without looking crazy, but instead, sexy and cool without breaking a sweat.   Back in the day, when I lived in metro Detroit, we had a little show we'd watch each weekday after school.  It was our local version of Soul Train.  The program was called The New Dance Show.  The song that's playin' in the clip is one of my jams!  I was lucky to find this clip and damn glad to share it with you.



"Jams" come in many varieties.  There's the "slow jam", the "dance jam", the "freaky jam", and "general jam".   "Drop that Base - the song featured in the previous clip, is a dance jam.  You would play this to get extra hype before going out.   A freaky jam is one of those songs that is quite explicit (sexually or otherwise) - something along the lines of a 2 Live Crew song.  Then there's the slow jam - i.e.  Luther, Chante Moore, Anita Baker, or any other slow song by an R&B artist that made you wanna sex someone up because tick tock - those love jams don't stop.  A general jam is usually one of those pop songs that, as a black person, you hate to admit you like to other black people but have no problem admitting it to white people.  It's kinda like you say, "I can be down with white people music" when you admit it.  Songs in this category is everything that's not rap or R&B.  Artist like Shania Twain, Nine Inch Nails, Guns N Roses, Britney Spears, and Hootie and the Blowfish fall into this category.  "But Dennis", you ask, "Isn't Hootie.. eerr.. Darius Rucker, black?"  Yes, yes he is.. but if you recall one of my earlier posts - he is indeed a blonkey. 

You might notice that you like these songs too - but you might not call it your jam.  You might simply move your shoulders or tap your foot to the beat and say, "Man, this song rocks!".  However, like our brother Jonathan B. White, most black folks LOVE to sing and groove even if we can't do either very well (killing the stereotype that we all can sing and dance). We will sing along to a song and begin the motion of utter enjoyment of the melody by doing a soulful rhythm sway at ANY PLACE and at ANY TIME.  My mind quickly jumps to The Isley Brothers "Groove with You" - a quintessential slow jam.  As we begin to sway to the rhythm of the beat, close our eyes, and snap our finger on the twos and fours (as opposed to the ones and threes) we remember a happy time while we're waiting in line at the local grocery store buying collard greens.  

Music plays a major part the lives of people. Whether you're white, black, or Puerto Rican - Everybody's just a freakin' - Oops. Sorry, I slipped into verse.  But that's one of MY JAMS too!  I got a million of 'em folks and this is exactly why you will often hear black people claim that every other song on the radio, playing in the restaurant, heard on the street, etc. as their jam. When in fact, it's most likely everyone else's jam too. They don't own that shit but we get into our music like we're getting some royalties from the record company for encouraging sales.  We compare singers - not lyricists. Who CAN sing and who CAN'T.  We listen for the beat and not the tempo - this is why most of us can dance to ANY song. And we're quick to tell someone younger than us that, "They don't know nothin' 'bout this" because it's for the grown and sexy bunch. 

I invite every reader to list some of their own jams in the comments.  What's in your Jams List for the slow jam, dance jam, freaky jam, or general jam?

Be sure to take the poll too!  Let's see what people consider a "jam".

Some of my favorite Jams for you to indulge in:

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Attack of the ABW...

Q: Why do many black women always seem like they are pissed off or bitter?

A: Each morning Loretta has to mind her temper. Many things can "Set it off" on the left AND the right for her. It's almost as though she served herself a bowl of Cheerios with "Vitamin B Pissed" fortified milk. Sometimes the milk is sour and you get an extra evil dose of ABW - "Angry Black Woman".

Loretta knows she's particularly cranky. "LAWD, don't let me go off on this man. He better stop talkin' to me like he ain't got no sense. I don't wanna snap his got-damn head off!," Loretta says in her internal dialogue. "His punk ass better not ask me for another got-damn thing!", she mumbles as she glares at the man behind the counter. You see folks, Loretta is angry. Not because of the shitty Cheerios, but because each day she is reminded of the things she wants to transcend. Debt, family issues, a job she might not like, or just the everyday struggle of being black in America. The women associated with this type of behavior are often those who were never taught how to have more control of their emotions and are usually suffering from deeper personal issues.

"But Dennis, what would cause a woman to go all ABW on me? I've done nothing wrong", you ask. You might not have done anything wrong. You might have been cordial as a mutha fucka - but this makes no difference to a woman in ABW mode. You say, "Good morning, Ma'am." and they look at you like you have three heads and now asking for a fourth like the greedy mofo you might be. You tell a black woman in ABW mode in any form of the word, "no" then you best be prepared. It's like they're in a constant state of PMS.

Pissed-off at Men Syndrome or PMS if you will, is the culprit of many an instance of ABW behavior. Black women are pissed off at men for a number of reasons. You have your Don Imus like folks callin' black women "nappy headed hoes". You have husbands cheating on their wives with both women AND men - D.L. doesn't just stand for driver's license, download, or down low - it also stands for dick lovin', but I've digressed. Sometimes she's a mom, single or otherwise, who is at her wits end. Maybe she's having a hard time at work. An ABW will blame the fact that she broke her nail on a man. Had she not been trying to attract a man, she wouldn't have gotten her nails done... and had she not gotten them done, she wouldn't have broken her got-damn nail!

When you think about it, ABW should just stand for Angry, Bitchy Women because all women can get quite angry, evil and hard to deal/work with. What would we call a white woman who is pissed off and not gonna take it anymore? I guess just a bitch, huh? We don't say that WHITE bitch.. we just say bitch. Well, actually, some people will say white bitch... but that's another topic.

Let's take a peek into the lives of Heather and Melissa as they have an argument. (the video is SO worth watching... it's ghetto fabulous)

"Oh My God Heather! Why do you have to be such a bitch?", Melissa shouted at her cousin.

"Because you're the biggest bitch I ever met and, and, and your boyfriend felt me up that night you were passed out in the bathroom floor. That's why I slept with him - because you're a bitch!", Heather retorted.

If you paid close attention, you see the word bitch several times without regard to race. It would be quite silly for them to call one another an Angry White Bitch. Doesn't hold as much "ooomph". Another silly thing is that they're fighting over a man - and while both may be bitchy, one is definitely a ho - sans the nappy head.

The thing that separates a black woman from her other racial counterparts is the culture in which they were raised. I know women who were raised to be very independent and direct with what they want. I also know women who always had to defend themselves verbally and physically, which lends itself to a more aggressive attitude. Just like Miss Sophia who had to "fight all her life." A lot of times these very women aren't even meaning to get "'bout it" with you - that's just the tone of their voice and how they've adapted their communication style. As the receiver of whatever question, request, or information they provide, you may interpret it based on your own experiences.

This concept of personal interpretation reminds me of some my interactions with Asian women. These aren't Asian Americans. These are interactions with Asians whose first language is NOT English (not that there's anything wrong with that). These interactions with them, be it in a restaurant or elsewhere (but typically in a restaurant because I LOVE Asian cuisine) always make me feel they have an attitude. Their body language and quickness to spurt out an answer in broken, mumbled English makes me feel as though they could not really be bothered with my dumb ass order and want me to just hurry it along so they can scoop up another spoonful of fresh, hot fried rice from a steam tray.

"What you like!?", the lady says as she holds her serving spoon in her right hand and the styrofoam (and environmentally UNFRIENDLY) container in the other, with what appears to be attitude.

I must add that it also looks like she is forcing a smile which makes me suspicious of her authenticity.

As I tell her what I want, she tries to predict my choices by preparing to scoop up the rice. She has no idea if I want white or fried rice or maybe lo mein! After she hears my choices, she hustles the food in the box. I'll give her credit, she ALWAYS tries to make sure I have equal amounts of entree but the manner in which she took my order and placed it in the box said to me, "Here you are fat mother fucker - eat all MSG and die. Just make sure you pay on way out! Would you like drink with that? Large? Soy Sauce?" as she giggles at me because I look confused. Do we have an AAW on our hands?

My friends, being angry is not something unique to black women. I think the term was coined by a white man - but it's oral history has been lost in translation and interpretation. Men and women of all races get bitchy and angry too but what name do we have for them? Asshole? Son of a bitch (which goes back to women)? Well that's not gonna cut it. Hateration also crosses into sexual orientation. Gay men will get "Rainbow Brite"on you in a heartbeat if given the opportunity and cut you with some quick sarcasm. You won't even realize they've done it until minutes (or days) later. What do we call them? Oh yeah... Gay (among another word that rhymes with maggot). However, the gay men you see doing this are typically white.

So don't believe the hype. Anger and bitchiness surrounds us. Black women don't own the exclusive rights even if they're typed cast to be an ABW (Omarosa, Coral from The Real World). The next time you're ordering food from a Japanese/Chinese/or other Asian establishment - pay close attention. I betcha you'll bear witness to an AAW.... shiiiiiiiiiiit.


Links used in this entry:

Angry Black Woman
Heather and Melissa
Miss Sophia
Asian
Rainbow Brite (pay attention to her sass in this clip - that heifer!)

Other useful links:
http://theangryblackwoman.wordpress.com/
http://whyblackwomenareangry.blogspot.com/

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mommy, what's a whigger?

Q: What do black folks think about these white dudes who pretend they are black?

A: In history we've had Hall & Oates, George Michael, Jon B. and more recently, Robin Thicke - Oh and if we take a look at the ladies, there's also Celine Dion (that's right Girlfriend!) in the areas of music. There was also Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and he's now made his way as a full fledge (and talented) actor. If you want to be cool and you're white - you go black. Isn't that right, Justin Timberlake?

I really have to wonder if they're even pretending. Well, they might be. If they're from a one stop-light town with no black people - then I'd be awfully suspicious!

Picture it, a white kid in junior high. Homely looking, acne, bad body odor covered up by the glorious scent of Brut by Faberge'. He finishes 8th grade and is hangin' with some people from his hood (oftentimes it's just a group of white guys who wear Chuck Taylors, Lee Jeans, and a bad ass Van Halen t-shirt), drinking Sunny Delight. "Duuuuuudes, did you hear that song by Aerosmith and Run DMC?", Jimmy asks of his friends. Jon replies, "Yeah, it's pretty rad." And there you have it folks, the birth of what white folks refer to as a "whigger".

Now, I can remember the first time I heard that word. I was like.. WTF? Then I recognized my neighborhood friend, Robert who would be the very definition, resembled one. All his male friends on our block were black! When we all hit high school he transitioned from Robert to "Rob". His facial hair got more urban looking - you know what I'm talkin' about.. the thin mustache/goatee thing - and he sagged his jeans and wore shirts much larger than necessary. His tees went from rock bands to silk strands (cause the late 80s were all about the silk shirt). Rob was officially what his family would refer to (behind closed doors of course) as a "whigger". A white nigger! DOH!

What did we think of it, being his group of friends in the neighborHOOD? We thought he was one cool ass mofo (for the most part)! That's what! Shiiiiiiiiiiiit... anytime we can have someone emulate black culture and style we were like... "He's a down ass brotha!" That level of down-ness was even more "dope" if he had the black girls on his jock. That meant two things - Homeboy was authentic (through weeks of intense black training via BET's Rap City and Yo', MTV Raps) and he had "game". You would know a newbie to "whigger-dom" because they would fuck up the pronunciation of slang words - but when they became masters at it, their faces develop the scrunched up, perched lips, speaking from the side of their mouths look. They could also earn endorsements. Those endorsements would come in the form of knowing the neighborhood dope dealer, knowing someone who knew a dope dealer, you being someone who smoked the weed from the dope dealer (this gave you instant friends as a whigger because people LOVE LOVE LOVE a free high!) or being "that guy" who could supply a hook up of any kind to a brotha or a sista because they worked at Merry Go Round or JC Penney's. Another endorsement was a car that was pimped out somehow and contained a speaker system that could "Drop that Bass". I'm not sure just how many endorsements one would need to be DOOOOOOOWN, but I would imagine that it depends on the general requirements of each black constituency.

In the 21st century - whiggers have become a dying breed and has been taken over by metrosexuals! The metrosexual is a vicious beast - devouring every man in its path. Gone are the days of hip-hop culture with the baggy jeans and shell-toe shoes. With the increase in college educated rappers, we have now entered a more refined, preppy, fashion model culture. This forces us to look at what I will now refer to as a Blonkey (waaaaaaait for it... waaaaaait for it... There you go!!!) :0)

Definition: Blonkeys - An African American who emulates the culture of the Abercrombie & Fitch, Roxy, Hollister fashion, et. al. They are often understood as those members of the African American community that speak with very little urban slang, yet use the following words in a sentence at least twice a day: awesome, totally, fabulous, fantastic, seriously?, really?, amazing. They also use the proper pronunciation on the end of words - i.e. mother fucker (mutha fucka) and refer to a group of friends as "you guys" instead of "y'all" or "mofos". Another signal that you're in the presence of a blonkey is their hairstyling and their use of hair product. Last but not least, their shoes are Chuck Taylor's, Ed Hardey, Airwalk, Skechers, the classic New Balance shoe or some sort of loafer. Think Carlton Banks.

The reality is - black folks will most likely be MORE critical of a blonkey than a whigger. We see whiggers being more of a problem for y'all to deal with - UNLESS homeboy stole somethin' from us - then we'll set out to whip his ass and revoke his "Hood Pass". This goes for music, money, drugs, personal belongings and women (or as they are probably referred to - bitches)

With all of this said, There's nothing wrong with embracing a culture and immersing yourself in it. Sometimes you just can't help yourself. If you can sing soul music - sing your ass off, Celine! Our hearts will go on! If you got the fevah for the flava of a Nubian Queen - do yo' thing! Just don't pretend to be anything other than yourself - just be you and it'll all be okay.

Links used in this entry:

Brut by Faberge'
Aerosmith and Run DMC
Yo', MTV Raps
Drop that Bass
metrosexuals
Carlton Banks
Celine
yourself

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Name is FaLa'La'La' Jenkins - And Don't Forget the Accent Marks!

Q: How do black people come up with these unique first names?

A: "Shalonda? Girl, can you believe this question? They got the nerve to be askin' 'bout how we come up with our names! I mean... why they gotta act like it's different. I know 12 other Shaquonda's and 5 more Kelendria's and Jay-kwon Rayshawn is so common that I ain't NEVER namin' my child that. This don't make no sense!"

Sometimes our homegirls choose some f'ed up names. I'm not going to try to defend it at all. It's like the parents put their favorite French and Spanish sounding syllables of names in a grab bag and rolled the die to decide how many pieces of paper they'd draw. From those pieces they pieced together a name. Words often chosen for this task are: LaBelle - for Miss Patti, Patti! Vous avec moi?, Shasta because they make so many delicious soda pop flavors, including Red Pop!, and just about any word ending in the sound "ay" and "uh". One of combinations you might pull from the bag may create names like LaShontay and Shastelle. Once a name is chosen, we just need one person to agree that it sounds cute and MOST IMPORTANTLY, unique. The best friend will agree with the name and say, "Mmmm hmmm, girl - that name LaShontay sound reeeeeeeeal cute. I saw on some cable channel when I was flippin' channels that in France, words that have that "ay" sound on the end is spelled with an "e" girl... with one of them accents marks. You should do that, fo' reeeeeeeal. Then she'll have a French name and she'll be sophisticated AND shit with a unique name that aint' nobody gone forget!"

Oftentimes I think that my sistas will just make up names out of the blue. Here are some names I have heard and thought, "Hmmm.. that is QUITE different!"

  • Kenetha - a feminizing of the name Kennth
  • Twiniece
  • Georgetta - which isn't really THAT different.. just COUNTRY!
  • LaQuincia - I guess they used the grab bag method and the father's name.
  • DeMarcus - I guess they meant he was "Off his Mark"
  • Ja'Quan
  • Tamiska
  • Tomisina
  • DeJuan
  • KeyShaun
  • Te'Quan - Doesn't it just make you wanna say Tae Kwon Do?
  • Breniecia
  • Shaneeka
Those are just a few.

Now, I might add that just because you've never heard of the name before doesn't mean it's not a valid and important name. Look at Beyonce'. Her momma was using her maiden name (Beyince) and gave it some extra French flava to an already Creole name. This same name is probably on the rise with babies that were born during the height of Destiny's Child. These are the names that go down in what I like to call, Black Baby Name Hall of Fame. These are the names that were once unusual... but they are now so common that it's normal (at least in their neighborhood).

Let's ask Aquanetta how many people she knows that share the same name.
Let's start with... BoonQuisha?

"Shiiiit... I know about 5 of dem! In fact, my cousin Mopey (who's real name is something completely different and could be a whole other topic) is married to a BoonKeisha... wait.. I guess that's another name."

Actually Aquanetta, we'll go ahead and count that one. How about Chardonne'?

"I know a Nay Nay. I think her real name is Chardonne', though. Or is it Jean-Nate'? Hell, I don't know!"

It's okay.. I think we get the picture.

Honestly - there are some names that have made the Black Baby Name Hall of Fame. Some of these names are:
  • Nakia
  • Shamieka (I had to add this one because I JUST met another Shamieka - the first was in high school)
  • LaKeisha
  • Shareese - and all variations
  • Devonte
  • Kenyatta
Uniquely made up names seems to be more relegated to people in a lower socioeconomic level. But that's not to say that those individuals will always be poor. Look at Oprah Winfrey (although her name came from the name Orpah which came from the Book of Ruth in the Bible but changed to Oprah because it was easier to pronounce). However, we don't think anything of Oprah's name these days.

Now.. when you get to the educated black folks.. and I don't mean they need to have a college degree, they are just well read and sometimes bourgeois folks (pronounced boog-wah, or as my people call it.. "boo-zhee" phonetically said... because NONE of us know how to spell it because the word doesn't exist in standard dictionaries). These people will take an Anglo name or a name from our African ancestry that has a deliberate meaning. African names such as Diallo (meaning "bold) and Zuri (meaning "beautiful") have a distinct meaning behind them. These names are accepted by the masses - quite possibly because they're more commonly heard and because the person who named them actually knows what the hell it means! Let's rewind to the name BoonQuisha... what the FUCK does that represent, that the child was conceived in the "boonies"?

That takes me to another way of naming their child. Black folks naming their kids after areas they were conceived in or on... but I digress.

We can't end this blog without mentioning the hippies of the black community. These folks can easily be mistaken for white celebrities who name their babies crazy ass names.

How's this?
  • Apple
  • Dweezil
  • Tiger Lilly
  • Jigme
  • Kafka
  • Pilot Inspector
  • Poppy Honey
  • Rumer
and the list goes on and on. Is there the same scrutiny? At any rate...

Some black hippie names are (and yes, i know/knew people with these names):
  • Sparkle
  • Honey
  • Cookie
  • Jazzmin
  • Caprice (Classic, as in conceived in an automobile)
  • Tangy (short for Tangerine I think pronounced Tangee and not tangy)
  • Lyric (I think a surge of this name happened after the movie Jason's Lyric)
And I REALLY want to get into why black people of NON-Hispanic decent have these Spanish names such as Carlos, Yolanda (yep.. that's not just a black name!), Consuela (yes, I knew a girl named this and she was definitely black!) and Roberto. As a good friend of mine says, "Never trust a black man with a Spanish first name. And especially don't trust them if they're wearing a pinky ring!" This is a topic within itself! But I have a feeling it's all about the exotic feeling of the name and it's uniqueness among blacks.. although, those names are HIGHLY popular in Spanish speaking countries.

With all of that said.. I still don't know why people do this to their children. But I say, keep on keepin' on. But keep in mind, a name that's unique has it's pluses and minuses. These kids are often labeled right off the bat as being dumb or hopeless - it migiht have something to do with them not even being able to spell their own damn name because they didn't know how to properly spell it themselves or phonetically it just wasn't right (e.g. Shanta - to me and MOST people.. that is pronounced Shon-tuh or Shan-tuh... but the girl I knew who was named that pronounces it Shon-tay. Go figure!) I just urge you to stay away from naming your kids after areas where conception occurred. The world does not need another Chevelle Diamonique LaChanel Thomas just because her parents got it on in a Chevy and her dad proposed with a stunning diamond-like ring with a Technibond ™ gold band on the HSN channel because that is just TOO MUCH!

Links used in this entry:

Shasta
Beyince
Oprah Winfrey
bourgeois
white celebrities who name their babies crazy ass names

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Why are black people so loud when they are in groups of any size?

Q: I work on a college campus and see black students standing around talking loudly/yelling at each other and at people that are walking by them. I have also noticed this in office settings and when it is totally inappropriate. Like in a movie theatre.


My question is why are black people so loud when they are in groups of any size? And do they realize that it frightens some people?


A: So you think black people are loud? WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, FOOL!? My people did NOT sing "We Shall Overcome" and "Lift Every Voice and Sing" to NOT be able to talk at whatever decibel they like... Hell... we need to be able to shout at the top of our lungs anytime we feel just as every human being should be able to.

We can't ALL talk like Samuel L. Jackson? Want us to speak with the calmness of Denzel? You do realize that Ralph Kramden (played by Jackie Gleason) was a loud talker too, right? You might be wondering who Ralph Kramden is. He's the lead character in the old show, The Honeymooners, (and a time when blacks were RARELY seen on TV) who talked loudly and promoted domestic violence when he said, "One of these days, Alice. One of these days... POW! right in the kisser!" These folks were always yelling at each other. Did he learn this way of communication from a black man or did we, the black folks of America, learn it from them?

Come to think of it, white folks do a lot of shouting themselves. Give them some alcohol and it's a natural amplifier of sound and stupidity. It's not unusual to get the random "YEAH, man!" or "Kick ass!" or even "Fuck, yeaaah!" You can be at a bar, a restaurant with a bar, or a bar in someone's house, or a tailgate with a "bar" so that they may get FU-BARed. But see, it's okay for white folks to do that because they're all around a bunch of other people doing the exact same thing they are - and if they aren't getting drunk, then something is OBVIOUSLY wrong with them and they try to coerce them into into drinking by telling them to "relax", have "a little fun" and to "live a little".

But why do groups of young black folks, of any size, talk loudly on a college campus? Simply - because they can. It's the same reason why you can wear New Balance sneakers and North Face jackets while drinking a Chai Latte on a crisp autumn day with friends. Because YOU can! You mentioned that they sometimes yell at each other. With black folks, it's like family anytime you come across another who looks like you - you get excited, have fun and are relaxed with your family... you get loud, laugh loud, and so forth. When they're yelling/talking loudly at people passing by - I guess it depends on the context because I've been yelled at by white men and it didn't frighten me. What it made me think - using my internal dialogue, "What the fuck is wrong with him - does he KNOW who I am? Jesse Jackson told me that I AM SOMEBODY! (oh.. and this link if WORTH checking out) and I will whip his ass if he doesn't watch himself!" I probably learned that set of dialogue from watching ROOTS - you know that's how Massa talked to his property and it's the 21st Century, dammit! It's time to flip the script! But even with that internal dialogue - I remember what happened to Ol' Miss Sophia in The Color Purple when she "sassed a white woman" and uttered these famous words, "Hell naw". Now, I'll admit, a group of white guys with shaved heads wearing all black and having a chain attached to their pants scares the shit out of me. Why in the hell are you wearing a chain and isn't it too damn hot for all that black clothing? That CAN'T be good. Same thing can be said when it comes to groups of folks wearing pointy white hats that don't say "Dunce" on it. How about this for real fear? Let's venture into traveling. I've driven across the United States twice and I have to say, there are states I'm more fearful in than others. There are cities that I have never stopped in because it wasn't a major city - so if I needed to do #2 I held that shit (literally) until I reached what I felt was a safe destination. There have also been times when I would NOT get out of the car because I know I was the EXTRAORDINARY man of color in that town. It's kind of unsettling. I imagine that white folks don't really think anything of it and if they do, they relate the feeling to something similar to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre - but homeboy wasn't wanting to hurt those folks because they were white!

When it comes to office etiquette, there seems to be an unspoken code of conduct. When white folks are in an office and they're talking about someone negatively or discussing "their business" - they tend to whisper. Sometimes it goes like this, "I heard that so and so is (whisper) gay.." or, "Did you know that she (whisper) slept with so and so?" Black folks generally will speak the truth out in the open, get loud and laugh about it. If it's about you, they'll most likely let you know - we get BOLD sometimes. If you want this loud-talking behavior to stop, you need to learn to not be afraid to communicate with black folks and teach them the code of conduct. Don't act like that's just how black folks are, loud and jovial. Most humans can and a lot of times be, loud and jovial - unless they're some goth kid with an iPod listening to EMO music, mulling over the meaning of life and how it's just not fair that they have to take algebra and why their mom likes to wear pastel colored velour track suits to the mall. For the vast majority of students in general they don't have any home training to teach them that code of conduct. Many just don't know how to act because their parents/guardians don't know how to act. It takes a village to raise a child - and just because I said village doesn't mean you had to have lived in a hut in a third world country to know the concept - Hillary Clinton wrote a book on it and made a LOT of money. With that said - each one, reach one unless you're too frightened to approach one. If that's the case, you should just get over it, look at the "Man in the Mirror" and make that change!

I do agree with you about the movies I can't stand when people talk to the screen either. In a theatre predominantly filled with blacks... you get the "shout outs" to the screen. Now, if commentary during the movie is what you like.. then more power to you. Let me direct you to a theater in Washington, D.C. where my Iron Man movie was both great (because I loved the movie) and annoying (I had the black version of "At the Movies with Ebert and Roper") because behind me two folks were giving commentary like, "God Damn that's a fly ass suit!" and "Look at that ride - that's dope! I want one of dem." and "He's about to kick his ass!" Then there was my experience at a Magic Johnson Theatre at "The Boulevard" shopping center. I saw Sex and the City and I remember a woman yelling out, "Don't do it girl!" Now, I ask, do you REALLY think Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha are listening to you?

With all of that said, here is the synopsis - most black people like to talk loud, laugh loud, etc because that's what they've been raised around - loud, jovial, energetic, charismatic families (for the most part). Visit a predominately black church and you'll find that the preacher gets all into the sermon and starts to yell himself! Let me remind you white preachers like to shout too! Jimmy Swaggart? Michael Pfleger? Paula White? This is not something dedicated to folks of a darker skin and hair texture. But I digress... If talking loudly happens at a time that is inappropriate - follow your code of conduct, pull these students to the side, whisper and let them know your expectations. If it's not your office, let someone in that office know - but don't be an ass about it. #1 they're students who WANT to be professionals. They'll understand what's up. #2 you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. If you're outside and you're casually walking by a group of students, gripping your keys/bag/purse tightly - KEEP IT MOVIN'! (that's what I do when I see those goth kids!) If they're talking about you (and I would bet that 9 times out of 10 they're not - unless you're wearing some whack ass outfit), what exactly do you plan to do? Nothing! That's what.

Lastly, I'd like you to also consider that the loud talking might be a result from having music that's playing in our headphones, car, or elsewhere. The music may be so damn loud that we can't even hear ourselves unless we're yelling . I suspect some white folks might have that problem, too - caused by a good Def Leppard, Aerosmith, Motley Crue, gangsta rap, "pour some sugar on me and make love in an elevator while I visit Dr. Feelgood, screaming along the way, "fuck the police" to the cop cars I see on the way to the clinic" track. To you I say, "Fuck yeah, man - Rock out with your c*ck out!"

* Remember, the view from my lenses may not be the same prescription as yours. :0)



Thursday, May 29, 2008

Why do so many black women wear weaves?

As my inaugural post, I think I'll tackle a question that was posted by a "a brother from another mother" whose mother happens to be white. :0) Mind you, I try to never take offense to such questions and I'd hope my readers wouldn't either.

Q: Why do so many black women wear weaves, hair extensions, wigs and the like?

A: Fake hair is a bitch! First, you pay for it - most times it's synthetic - but if you're a baller, shot caller... you get the real thang! Second, when you've worn the hell out of it you toss it in the trash like the hot garbage it resembles - all frazzled, frizzled, matted and tangled.

The installation of your new "pet" onto your head can cost anywhere from $55 - if your cousin Ray Ray and 'em gives you the "in the basement hook up" or you can pay hundreds (if not thousands according to a recent reader) for a trendy salon with a sassy, gay male telling you, "Girl, you better sit in this chair and let me fix yo' head!" In either case you're going to eat Raman Noodles for the next month to supplement this "necessary" expense so your girls will go, "Dang Tonya, yo' hair is laaaaaaaaaaaid giiiiirl! How much you pay for that?" And you'll reply, "Thanks, Girl! You know, I got it at that Korean shop on MLK Boulevard and Jenkins. It's 100% _______. You know I don't play! Neither does Lance when he put those tracks in my head!"

So why do so many black women like to wear fake hair? The real question should be, "Why do people choose to wear fake hair?"

Fake hair obsessions don't just belong to black women - it belongs to ALL women. What about Britney Spears and her awfully bad weave-a-liciousness during her much hyped return to MTV at their VMA's? Paris Hilton and her "hair today, gone tomorrow" stylings needs to be mentioned as well. Then there are white male celebrities from back in the day that live for the glory of the toupee. Burt Reynolds anyone? And how can anyone ever forget that fake ass spray on the bald spot stuff of yester-year? If memory serves me correctly, I believe there's a scene in the Fabulous Baker Boys where the brothers in the movie (played by two of the Bridges boys - Jeff and that other one) were spraying it on their "thin" spot.

Vanity is the culprit folks. Plain and simple. Sure, black women wear a lot of fake hair. Probably just as much as a yuppie will spend on lattes each month, black women will probably spend on their hair for a 4 - 6 week period. It's just a choice of how they spend their money. Hair helps everyone look and feel good. Having a lack of hair can do the same if you have the self-confidence of a Sinead O'Connor, Michael Jordan, et. al. It amazes me to see how women can be so attached to something that is a renewable resource for them. Watching these makeover shows, you'll see women crying about getting their hair cut. WTF? It's just hair. It'll grow back! It's not like you're trying to regrow breasts after a mastectomy!

However, black women do LOVE their hair but they don't always LOVE their hair. What the hell does that mean, you wonder? Well, it means they love the look and style of their hair (for the week or 6 weeks between appointments) but they don't respect it enough to leave it alone and let it just "be" their free, kinkily coiled , positive affirmation of their own unique beauty. America - you and your standards of beauty have messed folks up. Black women want that hair NOW and not LATER and don't always know how to care for it. So you'll see some busted up hair styles as well as some weaves that look like sage brush. It's all just too damn expensive considering they still need to get the nails done, the clothes bought, and the right knock-off bag just for the occasion. If short hair was in, you'd see PLENTY of folks rockin' the cropped styles - sadly, Toni Braxton gave up her short hair style and got weave-tastic on mofos in the late 90's, sending black women all over the nation into a tizzy. Short or long, bitch?! Short or long?!!!!

Since most most lower socioeconomic black women don't know how to take care of their hair - you notice more and more "around the way girls" wearing noticeably unruly, wild, man-made manes. They've aspired to have celebrity hair and will get it by any means necessary. When they do get those OVERLY SHINY locks (because synthetic hair shines like the plastic it's made from) the maintenance and overall upkeep is fuzzy - LITERALLY! When it comes to having the fake hair, the impression is that it takes less maintenance to have those Farrah Fawcett, Mariah Carey tresses... But HELL ladies... it still takes some work! When the goin' gets tough, the tough get a weave, a wig or braids and often neglect what their real hair needs - some good ol' TLC.

Having long hair is a standard of beauty that has been formed by the media and has encouraged black women to define themselves by that standard.

To quote a famous song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell....
Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing
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