Mommy, what's a whigger?

Q: What do black folks think about these white dudes who pretend they are black?

A: In history we've had Hall & Oates, George Michael, Jon B. and more recently, Robin Thicke - Oh and if we take a look at the ladies, there's also Celine Dion (that's right Girlfriend!) in the areas of music. There was also Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and he's now made his way as a full fledge (and talented) actor. If you want to be cool and you're white - you go black. Isn't that right, Justin Timberlake?

I really have to wonder if they're even pretending. Well, they might be. If they're from a one stop-light town with no black people - then I'd be awfully suspicious!

Picture it, a white kid in junior high. Homely looking, acne, bad body odor covered up by the glorious scent of Brut by Faberge'. He finishes 8th grade and is hangin' with some people from his hood (oftentimes it's just a group of white guys who wear Chuck Taylors, Lee Jeans, and a bad ass Van Halen t-shirt), drinking Sunny Delight. "Duuuuuudes, did you hear that song by Aerosmith and Run DMC?", Jimmy asks of his friends. Jon replies, "Yeah, it's pretty rad." And there you have it folks, the birth of what white folks refer to as a "whigger".

Now, I can remember the first time I heard that word. I was like.. WTF? Then I recognized my neighborhood friend, Robert who would be the very definition, resembled one. All his male friends on our block were black! When we all hit high school he transitioned from Robert to "Rob". His facial hair got more urban looking - you know what I'm talkin' about.. the thin mustache/goatee thing - and he sagged his jeans and wore shirts much larger than necessary. His tees went from rock bands to silk strands (cause the late 80s were all about the silk shirt). Rob was officially what his family would refer to (behind closed doors of course) as a "whigger". A white nigger! DOH!

What did we think of it, being his group of friends in the neighborHOOD? We thought he was one cool ass mofo (for the most part)! That's what! Shiiiiiiiiiiiit... anytime we can have someone emulate black culture and style we were like... "He's a down ass brotha!" That level of down-ness was even more "dope" if he had the black girls on his jock. That meant two things - Homeboy was authentic (through weeks of intense black training via BET's Rap City and Yo', MTV Raps) and he had "game". You would know a newbie to "whigger-dom" because they would fuck up the pronunciation of slang words - but when they became masters at it, their faces develop the scrunched up, perched lips, speaking from the side of their mouths look. They could also earn endorsements. Those endorsements would come in the form of knowing the neighborhood dope dealer, knowing someone who knew a dope dealer, you being someone who smoked the weed from the dope dealer (this gave you instant friends as a whigger because people LOVE LOVE LOVE a free high!) or being "that guy" who could supply a hook up of any kind to a brotha or a sista because they worked at Merry Go Round or JC Penney's. Another endorsement was a car that was pimped out somehow and contained a speaker system that could "Drop that Bass". I'm not sure just how many endorsements one would need to be DOOOOOOOWN, but I would imagine that it depends on the general requirements of each black constituency.

In the 21st century - whiggers have become a dying breed and has been taken over by metrosexuals! The metrosexual is a vicious beast - devouring every man in its path. Gone are the days of hip-hop culture with the baggy jeans and shell-toe shoes. With the increase in college educated rappers, we have now entered a more refined, preppy, fashion model culture. This forces us to look at what I will now refer to as a Blonkey (waaaaaaait for it... waaaaaait for it... There you go!!!) :0)

Definition: Blonkeys - An African American who emulates the culture of the Abercrombie & Fitch, Roxy, Hollister fashion, et. al. They are often understood as those members of the African American community that speak with very little urban slang, yet use the following words in a sentence at least twice a day: awesome, totally, fabulous, fantastic, seriously?, really?, amazing. They also use the proper pronunciation on the end of words - i.e. mother fucker (mutha fucka) and refer to a group of friends as "you guys" instead of "y'all" or "mofos". Another signal that you're in the presence of a blonkey is their hairstyling and their use of hair product. Last but not least, their shoes are Chuck Taylor's, Ed Hardey, Airwalk, Skechers, the classic New Balance shoe or some sort of loafer. Think Carlton Banks.

The reality is - black folks will most likely be MORE critical of a blonkey than a whigger. We see whiggers being more of a problem for y'all to deal with - UNLESS homeboy stole somethin' from us - then we'll set out to whip his ass and revoke his "Hood Pass". This goes for music, money, drugs, personal belongings and women (or as they are probably referred to - bitches)

With all of this said, There's nothing wrong with embracing a culture and immersing yourself in it. Sometimes you just can't help yourself. If you can sing soul music - sing your ass off, Celine! Our hearts will go on! If you got the fevah for the flava of a Nubian Queen - do yo' thing! Just don't pretend to be anything other than yourself - just be you and it'll all be okay.

Links used in this entry:

Brut by Faberge'
Aerosmith and Run DMC
Yo', MTV Raps
Drop that Bass
metrosexuals
Carlton Banks
Celine
yourself